Hate Crime.

Hatred.

You’re no woman, does say the man like demon!
You try to hide the man, but I see right through your plan.
How dare you buck the trend.
For I’ve a good mind to inflict a beating from which you’ll never mend!

Why must you infect the innocent mind?
Boy, how I hate your kind!
I want to live in a straight world full of real men.
Not a Barbie cesspit full of She-men!

You make me sick, you sissy pr**k!
So come on and fight me like a real man.
Prove yourself for once, if you still can?

Ha! I laugh as you try to flee from me in such high heels.
Look, no one is even taking any notice of your pitiful squeals.
Oh, how I look forward to committing your body to yonder fields!

As I stand watching your lifeblood flow upon the tar.
The whole world hates you for what you really are!
So you see it’s my job to stop you, before you take this too far!!!

Alexandra Young.

I didn't think I would ever be back on-line writting my personal thoughts for all to read, including those of you I likely will never even know or meet in real life. In many ways it makes no sense to come back here, but it helps me deal with issues going on in my head when I do turn my thoughts and feelings into words.
The catalyst leading me back to my blog and the printing of my Hatred poem above, is the thought process and feelings I'm going through as a result of taking part in a 'Hate Crime' video being produced by the Central Scotland Police Force tomorrow. It has brought back many a sad and hurtful memory of an event I prefer to keep supressed. However, my public account will help get the message across to others about the effects of hate crime, and my discomfort will be worth while in the long term.

The following account is what I placed down in writing for the Police, and will be the basics of what I say on the video (I likely will also eventually publish the video on my YouTube site):

Alex Story.

My name is Alexandra Young, and I’m now a fully transitioned male to female transsexual woman. I’m a Scot, and in my early 40’s.
I had my gender disphoria issues from as far back as my memory can take me to 4 years old. I remember crying myself to sleep at night wishing I’d wake up as a girl the next morning. I also remember how hard it was for a small feminine boy to get through school on a day to day basis without being bullied by other more typical and macho boys. The only way I could survive within general society had been to try and fit in more as the persona people expected me to be, which had been as a rough and tumble boy who needed to become better playing boy based sports.
My façade improved over the years into teenage years, and adulthood and I eventually managed to fit in a male role that included getting married and having children. Eventually in my late 30’s, I could no longer suppress the inner female me, and had to explore who I really was in more detail. After a long self examining journey, I successfully transitioned with the aid of hormones and surgery into the woman I am today.
The worst hate crime I can remember facing myself, had been back in the days I attended college as a late teenager.
I started my working life off as an Apprentice Joiner, and had to attend college on a day release basis. The guys I had to share classes with had generally been typical boys who seen themselves as being heterosexual men’s men. I on the other hand had still been a very feminine male, and dressed in ‘New Romantic’ style clothing that had been all the rage in the 80’s. Most guys who dressed like that still looked like boys/men, but I looked much more girly, and that did not go down well with my classmates.
The resulting taunts and innuendos I could take, even if at times it was not uncomfortable and not nice. However, it led onto them playing practicable jokes on me, and continually referring to me as 'gay boy', etc. Once I confronted them, and this led to them telling me I was ‘dead meat’ after the classes had finished. Thankfully I managed to slip past them that evening, but they waited for me the next time I attended college.
One boy pulled at my rucksack, and swung me round as I tried to hold onto it. Another boy then started punching me until I fell to the ground. He said you deserved that you 'poofy bastard', and said we will get you later.
I spent a full day in fear of these boys, and never told any lecturer for fear of getting worse treatment as a result.
That evening after college, the biggest of the boys got a hold of me, and beat me senseless using his steel toe capped boots. He kept kicking me till I fell unconscious, and when I woke up, I had blood poring from my mouth and nose, and had lots of lumps on my head. My ear was ringing, and felt very sore from also being hit. My ribs hurt, and I looked a mess. I looked so bad, I did not get on the bus as usual to get home, and instead walked home to my Mums to try and gather my thoughts and work out how to deal with the issue. People looked at me and never offered me any help. In fact, some crossed the road rather than walk past me.
I never felt more alone in my life, and felt very low. I could not tell my parents what was the cause of it all, because I likely would also have to tell them about my gender based issues, which these stupid bullies mistakenly thought was sexually based around homosexuality. I never went to the Police, or told anyone what had really happened for I believed no one would support or understand someone like me. Instead I just had to put up with verbal abuse for the rest of the year at college, until I could move to another class. Thankfully no more beatings came though, as they had made their point.
I became a much more reserved person after the beatings, and pushed myself into more macho male things such as weight lifting, kick boxing, extreme down hill mountain biking, etc. I cut my hair into a shorter number two cut, and successfully hide who I really was for self preservation.
I eventually came to terms with who I really was, and faced everyone who didn’t agree with what I had been doing. No more beatings happened in my later life, but I did have to face extreme bigotry and a general lack of understanding of trans issues from former friends and in-laws.
I believe I am a much better person than I once was as a result of being open about whom I really am. However, I have had to endure a lot of heartache along the way, and all because I happened to be different from the rest of the boys.

Alexandra Young.

.......and she lived happily ever after. The End.

A Photo taken at my Brother Kev's 40th Birthday bash with me and my Sis Val.


.......and she lived happily ever after. The End.

I think the title of this last blog entry that I'm likely ever going to post again on-line is quite a fitting one actually. It follows on from my previous blog entry which basically stated I needed to move on in life, but I also now do feel I need to draw an end to publically publishing my new life, which means no more blogs either.

I have been trying to remove as much referrence to my previous life by deleting photos and text that links me to my former male based and transitioning life. It will be impossible to fully purge all referrence, but I can remove most of it from the sites I'm going to continue using. Examples are Myspace, Flickr, Facebook, Bebo, etc, whereby the T'girl element has been removed (again where I can), and my profile info no longer states anything about my own transitional past. I have also left all (as far as I know) TG related groups. My close friends believe I should go further and delete all my photos and blogs so that no one outwith my close friends and family can contact me. Their reasoning behind that thought process is to allow me to fully get on with my new life without being drawn back into and being associated with anything TG.

I've thought about it long and hard, and my conclusion is what I hope is going to be a good happy medium. Yes, I do need to move on and just get on with my new life, and let go of the past which is no longer who I am. However, I have made a lot of good friends over the years, and many I still wish to keep in contact either in real life or/and on-line. I have also detailed a lot of very useful information about my transitional journey, which I still firmly believe is of use to both TG and non-TG folks interested in reading and trying to understand the truth about what it really is like to transition from one gender to another. Lots of crap is written on the Net about transitional issues, and tons of TG stuff is sadly linked to porn. I therefore do like to try and convince people that there are real every day folks like me out there who are also classed under the TG label who are just fighting society to be accepted as a fellow human being wishing to live life our own way. I think I've managed to get that across on my blogs and photos, and is why I think it would be a shame to totally delete everything from the Net.

I suppose people in future who I meet could link to material I haven't removed from the Net, and find out about my past that way, even if I'm more or less living in stealth. That is a risk I'm prepared to take for now. I also realise that because I have a huge male based past with children, etc, and so many people know who I am, that full stealth can never be a reality for me. I can obtain partial stealth though, with folks who don't know me at the moment just accepting me for the female I now am.

So, I'll draw this final blog to a close with a short summary of where I am and what I think I'll aim for in life (although that likely will change to a degree, because life is like that).......I think I owe you all that at least.

My transitional process isn't quite at an end yet, because I still have some minor facial surgery to go through on my jaw line, which I covered in a previous blog entry. I now have a date for that surgery on the 2nd of September 2009. I really do believe that will be the last of the subtle tweaking, and I hopefully can get on with my life without any more surgeries (unless life saving that is).
I'm also in the process of obtaining a divorce from my wife at long last (the whole process is taking ages through a court process due to our children being under 16 years of age). Once this has been dealt with, I can then obtain a Gender Recognition Certificate that legally sees me as being female, and I can then also change my birth certificate to female.

Materialistic things I'd like to aim for include a bigger owned house along the lines of what I had to give up freely to my family. A Porsche 911 car would be nice when I have less out goings in the future, and more holidays to far off and exotic places. Maybe even a career change in future once my financial commitments have been fully addressed.......who knows.

I will also need to seriously sit down and think about what pass times I like. That may sound daft to most of you, but if you had lived half your life trying to be somone you weren't, and doing things to prove a point rather than through enjoyment, then you to would be left wondering........"well what do I actually like"? I'll get there though, and may go back to the gym, take up dancing, etc.

By far the biggest issue for me though, is the family life I lost which meant so much to me. Yes, I still get to see my children, and they very much will still remain a major part of my life. However, I've lost my soul mate in my wife, and a circle of friends, who actually didn't turn out to be that good a bunch of friends anyway, but that isn't the point. The point is I lost all that had been my world and safetynet, and I haven't yet totally replaced that level of comfort. The biggest gap in my life circle at present is a loving soulmate. My needs have changed a lot from my previous hetrosexual male based life, and although I do have a bi side, my preferrence is to be with an honest and kind loving male partner. My big problem is that I'm very fussy when it comes to men, and I don't settle for 2nd best (which is also why I'm still a virgin, lol). It would one day be lovely to settle down and get married for the last time to the right man, and build up a new life together with mutual friends, dual owned house, two cars, and take romantic holidays together...........lol, a girl can dream, eh?????

Anyway, that is it for me folks. It is not the end for me, and is actually the beginning of another unknown journey, that can follow a multitude of paths. I have no idea how life will pan out for me, but one thing is for sure.........I ain't publishing anymore of it for you lot to read, lol.

So lets all assume she lived happily ever after (think I'm going to cry now).

The End.

Luv, Alexandra Young. xxx

A Wake Up Call.

A Wake Up Call.

I have been complaining on Facebook, Myspace, and my Flickr groups about how sick fed up I'm getting of people sending me messages or leaving comments along the lines of "Are you a man"; "Are you a Tranny"; "Do you have a d**k", etc, etc. These people are narrow minded folks who don't like the idea of transgendered folks, or are the opposite and purely want a 'chic with a d**k'. I'm very far from that, and tried to make it clear that I am a fully transitioned male to female who no longer has male bits.
Well, one of my friends commented as follows:

"Alex. The sad fact is the longer you keep hold of that TS label that you cling to so badly you are always going to get some sad dickhead asking you bone questions like they might a bloke in a frock.... the sooner you start becoming Alex Young and bury Alex T-Girl, Alex TS Girl, whatever and leave the feckin admirers behind and just become a women the ... Read more better!
You've been thru everything youve been thru , SRS, BA and FFS , all that money, cost, pain emotional and physical yet you can't let go of the TS element.... Wake up Alex the longer you hold on the longer you're going to have dickheads asking about your genitals, what you're wearing blah, etc....
You're a Woman, forget post op, pre op, xy chromosones just be a girl and lose the T .... cos now that winkie is gone thats all you are , plain , boring and simply a woman ... get on with life and just embrace normality.

Sorry for being so blunt but I dont think you'd expect anything else from me, xx. Chin up chick , you already walk tall. Lisa. xx"

.........It did the job of waking me up alright.
I can't really argue with any of what she said, because it is all true. All the same, I find it sad that I can't be honest about my past and still just be accepted as a female/woman by society without having to put up with either bigoted comments or perverts looking for a Shemale.
I am just a female now, and I will not be accepted as one if I continue to fly the transsexual flag under headings like T'girl, TS, etc. As Lisa rightly points out, I'm a woman now, and just need to accept that fact. It would seem I can't have the woman tag and use T'terms, otherwise I am going to keep attracting comments that are going to continually piss me off.
So, it is indeed time to move on, and I'm in the process of changing as many of my 'public' profiles as possible to no longer fly the transgendered flag. I need to do this for self preservation...........and I have to say it saddens me that I have to take such a step.
I had also considered dropping my blogs as well now that my transsexual journey is coming to an end. However, my journey in life continues, all be it as a woman now. I also suspect that new experiences in future will be worth documenting, so it makes sense to keep my blogs open incase I decide I really do still want to publish some of my new experiences...........Alex T'girl has gone to sleep for good, and Alexandra Young is finally awake!

Alex. x

Ignorance.

Ignorance.

I've kept an incident which happened over 3 years ago to myself, and it has never left my mind in all that time. So I thought 'f**k it' I'm going to express my disgust and disapointment in certain people, and vent my views for all to read (minus naming names, which would do no one any good).

If you go far enough back in my blogs to the time before I left my family unit to venture out on my transitional journey, you will be able to read about my coming out to family and friends, and all the stresses and tears that came with such an experience. The first people I came out to had been very close friends of my wife and I, and indeed people I trusted a lot at that time, who I also thought would be accepting.
Well, as usual the people in my life had been shocked at such an unexpected admission, but confirmed at that time they would be supportive. Now everyone I told (excepting the Inlaws who made it clear they could quite happily burn me at the stake), started seeing me less and less and eventually one by one kept me at arms length until I finally left the 'inner circle' of so called friendship. I'm sure it had been of great relief that they no longer had to be associated with the 'weirdo' now that 'HE' could get on with dressing as a woman away from their embarisment. Thankfully my mum, brothers, and sister were ok on that front. My wife distanced herself as much as possible to, but to give her due, she is still allowing me access to my children without making life very difficult. Out of all the people, I can understand my wife's feelings more, because she had lost her man to a situation that can only be described as strange and unusual. In this case I ran off with another woman, with me actually being the other woman!

OK, to get back to the actual point of this blog entry. The daughter of the 1st couple I told about my gender issues is also the best friend of my own daughter. She regularly had a sleep over at our family home at that time. After telling the parents about myself, I did wonder if that arrangement would stop. Thankfully it didn't, but I picked up on something the girl said as we hugged goodbye and the two parents came to pick her up. She said to them in a typically girly fun way about 4 times in a row, "Oh he touched me, he touched me, he touched me, he touched me". Now this girl is a fun lass, and likes to joke, and indeed like all children, also likes to wind her parents up.
Anyway, it didn't actually hit home what actually had been behind what she had been saying at that moment, but I did notice the faces on the two parents and them telling her to keep quiet. It was at that moment it suddenly dawned on me what that all had meant...............THEY HAD BLOODY WELL TOLD THEIR DAUGHTER TO INFORM THEM IF I ABUSED HER OR TOUCHED HER IN ANY WAY!!!!!!!!

Upon reflection, I now would rather have confronted them face to face at that moment in time and ask them to admit what they had said to their daughter. However I had instead opted to keep quiet, because I already had a lot on my plate as it was trying to explain the situation to everyone without an arguement developing. I also knew I'd be singled out as the bad one, and likely accused of making a mountain out of a mole hill. My situation had been bad enough without giving people excussed to go against me at that time.
Now, if you put the shoe on the other foot, I suppose you could say they were only placing their daughters safety before anything else. That is fair enough, all parents should. However, you would think that reasonably well educated middle class people would be able to work out the difference between a friend who has gender identity issues, and a 'F**KING' Paedophile for christ sake!!!!!!!

Sadly this world is sooooo very blinkered to anything diverse and different from their own accepted hetrosexual norm, and that everyone else could be a suspect child abusing monster!
Well here is a very strong message for all you 'F**kwits' who think that way. I am not the weirdo. I'm actually the most honest and up front person you will even know who could never physically harm anyone if I tried. My sexual needs are reasonably basic with no kinky stuff that I have found floats my boat yet, and should never be mistaken against gender issus anyway. What all you people should really be doing, is having a closer inward look at yourselves and your family, rather than pointing the finger at easy targets like myself. 9 times out of ten, it is your own bloody uncle or someone even closer to you who is the real threat to your kid........but it sure as hell is not me!

So wake up people, and take a good look around you at this new world..........because if you don't, people like me will one day make everyone else open their eyes to the bigoted twat like you who falsely point fingers.

Oh, and the photo above is a pic of a 'normal' person (me) going about my 'normal' everyday working life as a Project Manager. The people in my work who knew me less than my so called former friends accepted me as who I am.........and not one stupid 'paedophile' comment had been made!

Alex.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

Many fun things happen in this new diverse life of mine. Sometimes after such events I contemplate over the magnatude of how much has changed for me over the last 5 years, and indeed no matter how hard it can be for me at times, I also can fully accept just how lucky I am as well.
One such event happened last week while on a train to Newcastle where I have a new project started upgrading shops we own that face the main streets under our hotel. The work itself is not as creative as the internal upgrades I do within the hotels themselves, but it keeps me in work until the exciting stuff comes around again. The photo below had been one of the projects I just completed at our Thistle Aberdeen Caledonian Hotel:





When travelling down to northern England on business, I like to take the train, or the plane when travelling further to the southern part of England. I use the car more to cover the projects in Scotland where I live in the UK. On one such trip to Newcastle, I had been looking for a seat within the 1st carriage I entered which had been full of women dressed in pink outfits and pink flashing horns. They were on their way to a Hen night, which is what we in the UK call a pre-wedding party night for women who are out to enjoy the last few days of freedom for the bride to be. To say the carriage had been noisy had been an understatement. Screeching, laughing, chatting, falling over, etc, etc, had been far too much for me to sit through while sobber for an hour and a half.

So I elected to go to the next carriage, which happened to be full of men going to a Stag night (the male version of a Hen night for the groom). I thought' "Christ this is just my bloody luck". However, the noise levels had been much less in this carriage than it had been in the female one, so I decided to find the 1st availble seat.
As I walked through, guys got up from their seats and tried to get me to sit with them. Lol, there had been no way I was actually going to sit right in the middle of that lot, so thanked them and moved a little further down the carriage.
The journey didn't turn out to be as bad as I thought, and I actually had a few laughs at some of what the guys were saying. A couple of them did come across and speak to me, but they were nice enough and not being pains in the backside.

It occured to me that in my male based days, I would have felt much more uncomfortable in that situation, purely because I would have been expected to fully relate to the rest of those guys in an equal male to male basis. I could never do that very well in the past, and when I did, it had all been an act that I had mastered as best I could over the years of growing up as a male.
However, having crossed that fence and entering into the situation as a female, the whole dynamics of the conversation changed in expectation. The men were very nice to me, with no expected macho competition, and lots of attention being offered my way. I just loved being who I am in a totally natural way that seemed way more right than it ever did in my male based days. Again, no one had any idea what so ever about my male past, and that leads me onto my next point.

It occured to me that should I have been one of the unlucky TS's who do not pass so well in their new female role, I suspect the situation could have been very different. The acceptance for me being an attractive female that the guys wanted to know, would likely have changed to an abusive situation that a transwoman could not get out of for the next hour and a half. It must be sooooo very hard for these women, and I take my hat off to those of you who do have to face such situations when just trying to get on with your new lives.

Life should not be like that, and acceptance for difference should be the accepted norm. We are still a long way from that yet though, and is one of the reasons why even with the way I look and I am acceped as a female within society these days, I still like to try and educate society about transitional issues where I can. Yes, I have to face bigoted comments when people realise I'm a transwoman through my openess and honesty, but someone needs to do it, or the general public perception of people like me will never change.

Luv, Alex. x

A Mish Mash of Updates.

A Mish Mash of Updates:

A Mish Mash of Updates:

Seven months have passed since my gender reasignment surgery, and basically everything has more or less gone like clockwork for me in terms of recovery and developing sensation. I'm very pleased with how everything looks and works for me, and I couldn't have wished for better to be honest.
One thing I have noticed is the continual feminisation of my general body shape since surgery, and I seem to have lost even more bulk around my shoulders, and my shape is even more curvy than before. It proves that my male bits at the time must have still been producing some testosterone, which I had not been blocking with Anti-androgens due to not having been prescribed them by my consultants. It is surprising, even after being on hormones for 4 and a half years, that my body is still developing even at this late stage in transition.

Overall I'm very pleased with the results of my hard long slogg to become the woman I am today. However, there is just one tiny bit of nagging thought going through my mind about my overall appearance which will not go away no matter how much I try to justify otherwise. That nagging thought is still about my jaw line, which to me is still wider than I personally think a female has naturally. Yes, I know I get away with it, and know I very rarely get read, but I see it even when others don't.
So, I went to see my surgeon, and told him what I thought. His opinion is that I don't really need to have surgery, but can accept my point of view. We have therefore agreed that he will tweek the jaw line to yet again give a subtle change that he and I will notice, but very few who know me will see much of a change, much as had been done on my brow. I've never wanted to go under the knife and come out looking like someone else. Instead all I want is small changes that take the rough male like edges away, but still look like me at the end of the day as a female you can look at and not say "she's had work done on her face, I can tell".
So, I've made my mind up to go once more under the knife. If I ever go for more surgery in the future, it will be just like any other woman out there who wants to try and stem the onslot of age, and have nothing to do with gender issues. Hopefully I will have that chapter in my life put to bed for good.

Now for something completely different. Acceptance, and disclosure.
Generally speaking within my every day life, I have no problems or issues relating to passing as the female I am in public or within my working environment. I accept I am very lucky in that department. Acceptance is not an issue when people don't realise I'm a transitioned woman. In the working environment, or with my friends who do know of my male based past, such knowledge is never an issue. With others who meet me for the first time, and later find out, it can be a different story. Let me explain some more and give you an example.
I have always been the type of person who likes to be open and truthfull on-line through my blogs, groups, etc. I do this to help others like me, and to try and educate society in general through publishing my experiences. Most of the time, people appreciate such honesty, but some take exception to difference on their accepted 'norm', and treat me like a sub-human being as a result. I suspect it speaks volumes about their own insecurities rather than truthfully relate to my situation, but what they say still hurts because of it's abusive, bigoted, narrow minded content.
A few people who comment on my photos say I should mark them as being perverted, deviant, filth, freakish,etc.......you get the general idea.
On Facebook recently, I had been asked to join the Cougar Club, which is basically a group for older women who are attractive to younger men. I joined it for a bit of fun basically. I had a onslot of young guys wanting to be on my friend's list. Sadly though, once you accept their friend request, they tended to quickly delete their acceptance once they read about me being a trans woman. If I had not been honest, they would not know any better. What I find sad is their narrow minded way of thinking, and again it is hurtful to realise that the vast majority of society do not, and never will, view me as being a woman.
Again I will state......why oh why is it so hard for people to accept that some women like me are actually born with the wrong bits, but are female in mind, heart, and soul? Why is it so hard for people just to accept that fact?

I've had a long and hard battle fighting society to become, and be accepted, for being the true person you see before you today. It started with an internal battle within myself to accept I was that girl I always knew I was, dispite what others told me all my life. I then had to face everyone in my male based life with the truth, and face the backlash of loosing more or less everything I had built up in life. This included the breakup of my lovely family unit including a devoted wife and two fantastic children I still miss more than anything in this world. It included having my former in-laws and friends turn their backs on me, purely because they could not understand what I was doing (and didn't agree with it either). I had to face everyone I worked with, and face loosing my job if it didn't go down well (thankfully all worked out very well though). I also had to start from scratch in my new full time female role in a small flat, with more outgoings than had been coming in at that point. I also had to try and build up a new circle of friends. Even looking as good as I did, sometimes I did get read, and for those of us who have to face such situations, I don't have to explain to you how hard that is at first to deal with in life. To the rest of you reading this, all I can say is that the term 'that is a man', is very hurtfull indeed!
Add to this the pain and recovery of many surgeries, and you may start to get the idea why we as transitioning women have every right to be accepted as females in the same way as genetic born women.

OK that is my mish mash of updates and rants over for now. I'll finish by introducing the lovely lasses in the photo above. From left to right, you have the totally (and sickenly) gorgeous Alyx, who is half my age and twice as gorgeous as I can ever hope to be. Next to her is my lovely friend Lucy, and next again my fab buddy Sarah. I don't need to confirm who the old blonde bimbo on the far right is, lol.
Anyway, before the narrow minded twats like the ones on Facebook make any comments about the girls in this photo, I can confim that not one of the four of us started life out as genetic born females. However, all of us are much more female than any narrow minded bigot will ever have as a girlfriend........so stick that in you pipe and smoke it mate!

Alex. x

All Systems Are Go!

All Systems Are Go!

Voluptuous boobs……check, Luscious lips……..check, Flowing blonde hair…….check, Killer legs…….check, Enticing smile……check, Bott to rock…..check.
Well, that’s me all set for the weekend, lol.

Alex. x